


Giving In

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x17 coda, Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, POV Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 04:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18403214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: He can’t force a smile and eat and play house at the Institute like this is a life he still belongs to. It’s more than he deserves.It’s more than he allows himself to feel deserving of.





	Giving In

**Author's Note:**

> A 3x17 coda, spoilers ahead

He tries, he tries so hard to get off of the balcony and as far away from Alec as he can. This? This is everything he worked so hard to hide from him since losing, and gaining, and losing his magic again. It’s the pain, the self-loathing, the goddamn  _ worthlessness  _ he doesn’t want to admit consumes his every moment since he lost his very essence. He isn’t Magnus Bane any longer. He can’t remember how to be the man he was before, and he despises the man he’s become. 

And if it’s this much torture to live with himself every day, why on Earth would he want to subject anyone else to living with him either?   
The moment he starts speaking, the moment he hears the bitterness seep into his words, the moment he feels the tears sting his eyes, the moment his motions blur just a little around the edges, he knows it’s too much. He’s said too much, too candidly. He’s gone too far. He can see the hurt in Alec’s eyes, the confusion as he tries so desperately to reconcile the smiling boyfriend from bed this morning with the slurring mess in front of him now. 

Alec deserves better. 

Magnus needs to get away before he does any more damage, but Alec won’t let him pass. 

He’s in no condition to fight against a Shadowhunter as strong as Alec but that isn’t going to stop him from trying, but he barely makes it another step no matter how much he thrashes against his boyfriend’s hold. He just wants to get past him. He needs to leave - the candles, the flowers, the dinner, it’s all more than he can handle right now. He can’t force a smile and eat and play house at the Institute like this is a life he still belongs to. It’s more than he deserves.   
  
It’s more than he allows himself to feel deserving of. 

Magnus is distantly aware of saying Alec’s name in the struggle, hands pushing and hitting in a frenzied attempt to just get Alec to move out of the way. Alec won’t budge. Magnus struggles just a few seconds more before he falls limp against Alec’s hold, crying into his shoulder, giving in. 

Except giving in feels a lot more like giving up.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
